Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball? A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't the British build computers? A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Somebody asked me "What happens to programmers when they die?" They get deallocated? Their values become undefined? The get re-intialized? Their structues break down? they become WORM food... They start dropping bits........ They branch to a new address! Their social system resources are released? They dump core?
--------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage? A. A core dump

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 2500 MHz processor, 512 megabytes of RAM, 150 gigabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024x1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a computer scientist? It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer to come anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? Access time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Isn't it odd that all the members of the Association for Computing Machinery are human? (I've been thinking of signing my home computer up.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why is "256 Ways To Make Love" the most quoted book on the Internet? It is the Fucking Manual

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What do Unix sysadmins do when they're horny? Mount a filesystem.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad. So that blind students can hate them too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

---------------------------------------------------------------

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine. Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight. Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, then they cut the budget, now there are seven. Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics stored an even larger prime, now there are six. Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, one died of overwork, now there are five. Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four. Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, one used for spare parts, now there are three. Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two. Two little gigabytes, badly overrun, took the work elsewhere, now just need one. One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock Knock. Who's There? Recursion Recursion who? Knock Knock...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women Enjoy Computers More Than Men, Survey Says - Rockford (Ill.) Register Star.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The Programmers' Cheer - Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

times still changin by dusty anderson come gather round people wherever you roam and accept that the networks around you have grown and admit that software piracy you don't condone if your data to you is worth saving then you better make backups on your macs or pc clones for the times they are a changin come students and staffers who double-click with your mice and keep your eyes open - your screen savers look so nice and don't blame network downtime on poltergeists the new copy of WORD just delivered takes 2 dozen diskettes and needs 40 megabytes cos' the times they are a changin come faculty and administrators, please read your e-mail it's been there for months now and it's gettin stale our attempts to get more disk space from ADP have failed the battle on campus is ragin whether we will use windows or macs will prevail yup the times they are a changin come users and sysadmins all over the LAN your bandwidth requirements we don't understand your digital desktops and cryptic commands your multimedia stations were not in the budget of our five year plan but the times they are a changin with Ethernet, Token Ring and FDDI we've got the best network that money can buy with Internet access and registration on-line but yesterday when he was cleaning the janitor unplugged the power and all systems died oh the times they are a changin

------------------------------------------------------------------

I notice in today's NY Times that, in the wake of _DOS for Dummies_, the insult-the-customer bandwagon is picking up steam. New titles being advertised include "WordPerfect 6 For Dummies" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide To WordPerfect 6". Here are some titles in the genre that I am currently working on: Lotus For Losers Procomm For Pinheads The Absolute Moron's Guide To Quicken WordStar 2000 For The Suckers Who Bought It Kiplinger's Computer Associates Simply Money For People Who Weren't Loved Enough As Children.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you use the system in a dirty environment, open it periodically and vacuum the boards and components with a small vacuum designed for this kind of work. Don't loosen anything in the process--sucking all the chips off the system board with an industrial strength wet/dry vac is not covered by your warranty." - Gateway 2000 User Manual

------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park? One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A Software guy, a Hardware guy and a Mainframe guy are driving across the desert when they get a flat tire. The Mainframe guy says, "Well, now we have to get a new car." The Hardware guy says, "I got a better idea. Let's rotate the tires and see if we can isolate the problem." The Software guy says, "Nah, let's run it another thirty miles and see if the problem reoccurs."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in the next seat, "..and where are you going?" "I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replys. "Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above A: Number 4.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"? A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee]