The Chick Flick

The Macho Movie

There are lots of close-ups so you can see every emotion on the character’s face.

There are lots of long shots so you can see every bit of blood, bone and grey matter that explodes from the character’s face.

The villains are people you see everyday, like cheating husbands and nasty bosses.

The villians are people you’ll probably never see in a lifetime, like heads of cocaine cartels and man-eating aliens.

The villain’s worst act is something awful like sleeping with her best friend’spouse.

The villain’s worst act is something awful like stealing a nuclear weapon.

A chick flick always includes child actors so they can add humanity and warmth to the story.

A macho movie includes child actors so they can be kidnapped and add suspense to the story.

The characters learn to respect one another through long talks and thoughful actions.

The characters learn to respect one another by beating each other up.

If someone gets a disease, it's inevitably cancer or heart failure.

If someone gets a disease, it's inevitably a rare form of radiation poisoning or an exotic parasitic infection picked up in space.

There will be at least one emotional death

There will be at least 20 unemotional deaths

There will be at least one grunting, gooey depiction of childbirth.

There will be at least one grunting, gooey scene of hand-to-hand combat.

The chick flick will feature at least one scene where the lead character interacts with her mother.

The macho movie will feature at least one scene where the lead character interacts with a digital readout counting down to zero.

The climactic scene involves an explosion of passion.

The climactic scene involves an explosion of a car, bridge or other man-made structure.

A happy ending is when the lead character finds love.

A happy ending is when the lead character finds the villain and blows him to smithereens.